My Lil' Boy!

My precious lil' boy... oh, how I absolutely, utterly adore him! I can't fathom my life without him... ever! I love him with my every being... my heart... my soul! While pregnant... I couldn't imagine being a "boy mommy"... and yet, as I kissed his precious lil' head the day he was born... I instantly felt as if I had always been one! For he is a part of me.... and me... a part of him! His sparkling blue eyes... his quirky lil' personality... with that oh so sarcastic grin... handsome lil' cheeks that have the slightest tease of dimples... oh, and a heart that will melt yours in a mere second! Oh, how blessed am I! Rays of sunshine... love and laughter... and a heart complete! I am so very proud to be his Mommy! Logan... my Logan... yes... my lil' boy!

Yet... in the darkness of the night... when the busyness of the day has come to a screeching halt... and life is ever so still... my tears begin to fall. For a Mommy's heart can only hide them for so long. The ache that I have kept secret all day long has finally found a way to pierce its way through. My mind unable to rest... listening to every lil' sound on the monitor as I rethink our day. What is happening to my lil' boy? Why don't we have answers? Does he need to be put back on medication? Why isn't he eating? Why do his lil' feet hurt? Is tomorrow going to be better? Episode after episode... unannounced... and without warning! Falling on his train table... while he snuggles in my arms... driving in the car... during dinner... softly sleeping in his bed... oh, my baby! Why? Someone, please tell me why! Oh, and I try so very hard to be brave and strong for my lil' boy... but, he is always stronger! His lil' body jerks and twitches... I comfort him in every way I know how... yet when it has stopped... he will tell me how much he loves me... and that he is okay!

I would do absolutely anything I possibly could for my precious lil' boy to be okay! I would love for nothing more than to give him care-free days... filled with roars of laughter... best buddies... and the innocence of an imagination only a child can carry! But, I can't. His days have been tainted with doctors... tests... medications... and fears that no child should ever have! Oh, of course... we most certainly have "happy" days... filled with playful imagination... a load-full of laughter... and all the love I can possibly give him! And so with that you might say... at just 3... I am sure he doesn't realize all that he is missing. But, I do. For I know every single play date that we have had to cancel... each time we've had to politely decline an invitation... and the many times we've quietly watched from the "sidelines". For that isn't something that can simply be erased from a Mommy's heart! It is immensely painful to accept the realization that no matter how much I love my lil' boy... I can't make him okay!

Oh, how that shatters the core of my being. Mommy... Logan's Mommy... the one who is supposed to kiss away boo-boo's and make it all better... and Daddy... Logan's Daddy... his protector... and defender... and yet... here we are... still no answers... as we watch our lil' boy suffer day in and day out!

And so in the middle of this night... as the tears storm down my cheeks... I will pray... and pray... and pray some more! And, when there are no words left for my mouth to utter... I know that my heart will still be heard! I have begged... pleaded... and bargained! I can't give up! For this is my lil' boy!

And in the deafening silence of this night... as I cry out to God... I am ever so gently reminded that this lil' boy... my lil' boy... the one that I love with every being of my heart... is God's lil' boy... who created him inside and out... knitting him together in my very womb! Yes, God's lil' boy... who fearfully and wonderfully made him... and loves him so!

And, oh how that soothes this Mommy's broken heart!

~Psalm 139~