Essay Contest!

Our Reproductive Endocrinologist sent me an application to enter into "My Little Miracle" Essay Contest for Ferring - a pharmaceutical company. During Logan's IVF cycle, we used a Ferring Pharmceutical called "Bravelle". The topic of the essay is "If I Knew Then What I Know Now" and is to include our story and advice I would give to other women who are just beginning their journey to parenthood and to describe what medication was used successfully (Bravelle or Menopur). The guidelines are: Not to exceed 2000 words. A completed application and a digital photo of my children. There will be 6 winners who will be awarded a $3000 educational scholarship. Wish me luck!

“Beyond Blessings”

It is rare that a day will pass by that my heart doesn’t reflect upon the road we traveled called “infertility”. Whether it be while looking into the eyes of our two - beautiful children, chatting with a friend, or as my head hits the pillow at night… Infertility is never far from my heart. But, that is okay… I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Our journey was long. Definitely heart wrenching at times. Completely physically and emotionally exhausting. Yet our journey was also miraculously amazing in so many ways. Scattered with life lessons along the way that have forever changed the depths of my soul. Because of infertility - the up’s and down’s - the never ending tests and procedures - the medications and injections - the fear of failure - and struggling with feelings of emptiness, brokenness, and loss - my husband and I were bonded together in a way that is indescribable. It was during the “lowest of lows” - in the utter pit of anguish and despair - that the depth of our love for one another blossomed into a love like no other. Our faith became our compass and our beacon of light and hope. And because of that… I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Our” story began from the very moment in time I can remember, for I have always longed to be a mother. I can remember countless childhood days of playing “mommy” with my family of favorite baby-dolls. For that was my fairy-tale dream that I carried always in my heart. And so there I was on November 7, 1998... “just” a date for lunch, which turned into dinner and coffee, a romantic walk in the park and an engagement exactly one year later on the beach at sunset. On January 29, 2000 I married my Prince Charming. The man of my dreams. The man I longed to be the father of my children. And, on that very night as we consummated our union in marriage, we were certain we would be celebrating the birth of our first child nine months later.

One negative pregnancy test led into the next, but we were certain it was “only” a timing issue. “Of course we would be pregnant soon“, we told ourselves. There was no reason to believe we wouldn’t be. Of course, we were given more advice than we ever needed or even asked for! My monthly cycles have always been unpredictable and quite painful at times, and so I couldn’t help but worry if there wasn’t something wrong with me. I decided to mention our lack of success to my wonderful OB/GYN - Dr. Mary O‘Toole, a year later at my annual exam. I had convinced myself she would give me a pep talk, a hug, and send me on my way, but she completely caught me off guard when she ordered a series of tests. She explained that because of our age and the fact that we had been trying to conceive for more than six months she didn’t think we should wait. Shortly after, we found ourselves in the midst of calendaring, temperature taking, charting, and ovulation kits. Hardly the definition of romance, but if it helped us conceive - we could do it! Unfortunately, our new way of “baby making” was still unsuccessful. Further testing was ordered and we learned that my husband’s sperm count was low and that he had poor morphology. We were then referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. At that time, my knowledge of a “Reproductive Endocrinologist” was limited, but in the depths of my heart - I knew that we needed one. We had both become quite discouraged and the sense of failure was looming over our empty hearts.

Dr. O’Toole assured me that I would be in the best of hands with Dr. Jane Frederick of Huntington Reproductive Center and the instant that we met her, the depleted sails of my heart were filled with hope. Our consultation was followed by further testing. We learned that I had a very small fibroid, however Dr. Frederick didn’t believe at this time it would prevent me from getting pregnant. The word “infertile” quickly became a part of our vocabulary, but I don’t think it hit the depths of our souls until we began to live and breath it on a daily basis.

We began our first cycle of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) and we were excited beyond belief. We were completely positive and didn’t allow ourselves to even consider the thought that it wouldn’t work. I remember telling myself, “everything is in ‘working order’ we just need a little bit of help.” I began taking medication to stimulate my ovaries and produce more than one egg. We followed the instructions exactly. At precisely the “exact time” ordered by Dr. Frederick my husband gave me an injection of hCG to stimulate ovulation . I was certain I was going to die as I couldn’t imagine my husband poking me with a needle. If I were to be honest, I should admit that I actually ran from him at first. Little did I know, that was the first of many more injections. But, I survived and we went to the doctor’s office the next day to be inseminated. Unfortunately, our first cycle was unsuccessful, so we agreed to try again. Again, we found ourselves looking at the negative sign appear on the “stick” on our bathroom counter. At this point, we were both absolutely devastated and feeling a hopelessness that only infertility can bring. As my husband slept, I would lay on our family room floor wrapped in a baby blanket I had bought months earlier and sob until I had no more tears. We were both physically and emotionally hollow, feeling defeat to the fullest. But, we decided to try one more time. Half way through the cycle, our marriage broke and we separated. I lost my sister, my only sibling, in 1994. I always believed that if I could endure the pain, loss, and grief of her death; I could get through anything in my lifetime. Yet, there I was broken and shattered not knowing if I could survive infertility and a marriage that was quickly disintegrating.

Thankfully, with counseling, a lot of hard work, our endless love for one another, and the support of our wonderful Dr. Frederick; we found ourselves sitting in her office a year later - stronger than ever - and ready to proceed with In-Vitro Fertilization. I clearly remember receiving my first IVF protocol and a huge box filled with vials of medication, syringes, and needles and asking myself “can I do this?” Deep down, I knew that I could because regardless of the outcome I had to know that I tried in every way possible to have a baby with my husband.

Our first IVF went better than I could have ever hoped or prayed for. With each injection, our hearts pitter-pattered with joy; as we knew we were one step closer. I responded wonderfully to the medication. Retrieval was perfectly timed. And, three days later we had four precious embryos to transfer into my uterus. Exactly, two weeks later Dr. Frederick called us with the very best news I could ever hear - we were expecting! Shortly after, I had a bleeding scare which lasted through my 14th week. I was placed on bed rest. My fibroid grew to an enormous size, but miraculously our little one was not effected. On October 29, 2003, at the age of 35, we welcomed our precious baby girl - our miracle - into this world. Lorielle Faith -a tiny 6 lbs. 14 oz. As I held my daughter in my arms that very night, I felt a peace like I have never known.

We thought our family was complete with the birth of our precious little girl. At that time, I couldn’t have ever imagined opening the “infertility door” once again. God had answered our prayers, how could we ask for a second? I know the many blessings a sibling can bring as my sister and I were the best of friends, yet I also now know what it is like to be an “only child” after her loss. So with faith and courage we found ourselves on the road of infertility once again. Eighteen months after our daughter’s birth we began our second IVF cycle. I was now 37, my fibroid was much larger, and we knew that the chances weren’t as favorable; but we were determined not to allow that to hinder our hope. Dr. Frederick decided to follow the same protocol and although I didn’t respond quite as well, we learned we were pregnant once again. Unfortunately, I miscarried soon after. Heartbroken, absolutely! How could we go through all of this, conceive, and lose our baby? Six months later we attempted our third IVF cycle which was unsuccessful. I knew that I had so much to be thankful for and I definitely was, yet I began to struggle with depression and the thought of letting my daughter down. The fear of failure began to haunt my every thought and I didn’t know if I would ever be strong enough to attempt one more cycle. I knew a fourth cycle would be our last and I wasn’t quite ready to accept that after that, there would be no more. We considered adoption, yet my heart kept leading me back to IVF.

Months later, my husband and I met with Dr. Frederick and we were in agreement that we should try one last time. I knew that if I didn’t, I would live with regrets. This time however, Dr. Frederick was going to change my protocol. I would be stimulated with Bravelle. And just as Dr. Frederick had predicted; my body responded perfectly to Bravelle. She was able to retrieve 8 eggs and three days later we had four beautiful embryos to transfer. Four weeks later, we saw two little heartbeats during our ultra-sound. It was a difficult pregnancy. Bleeding episodes that happened one right after another through my 20th week. At 10 weeks, we learned we had lost one. My heart crumbled, yet I knew I had to remain hopeful and positive as I still had one precious, tiny, heartbeat growing inside of me. I spent 39 weeks on bed rest praying my days away. “Please God, let this miracle inside of me continue to grow! Please don’t take this baby, too!” At 39 years old - on May 31, 2007, I gave birth to our second miracle - a son - Logan Robert - 7 lbs. 12 oz. Beyond Blessed!

Little did I know that because of our journey, my life would include such compassion and love for those that have been affected by infertility. I have met special people along the way, shared heartache and joy with not only friends but also complete strangers that walk in these shoes. Infertility can definitely build your character. Infertility can definitely strengthen your marriage. Infertility can definitely grow your faith. And even though infertility can make one feel absolutely hopeless at times - infertility treatment can give you hope beyond hope! I can’t begin to tell you the countless days I spent praying away our infertility, but I can honestly say… I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Starting a family is “easy” for most. For some it comes without even a thought. But, for others it is much different! I will never forget the day my husband and I learned we were “infertile”. It changed me… it changed him… it definitely changed our lives - forever! Unfortunately, many travel the path of infertility… and although each journey is different… we all share a common thread… and for that… I wouldn’t have it any other way.