Change

To share... or not to share...

Words...

Spilling from my heart...

Thoughts...

Not quite all put together... definitely not neatly typed in order...

but, nonetheless... weighing heavily upon my heart!



Change... usually not "easy".
Change... often needed, but not always welcome.
Change... a great fear of the unknown.
Change... trusting God completely.
Change... growing in God.

Change.

Kindergarten... oh... what a year! It is my hope that my daughter will only carry the "bestest" of memories... such innocence... the fun and excitement... her growth and achievement... a wonderful teacher... and new friendships made!

As a mother however, I experienced "kindergarten" from a different perspective. I refer to it as what I call "The Mama Drama". I have never in my life experienced such immaturity... jealousy rumors and gossip... hatred... in my lifetime. Well I take that back... maybe at some point in my Junior High days... but seriously wasn't that quite a few years ago? And more importantly... aren't we MOTHERS now? God has blessed us with the most precious job on this earth and that is to be an example to our children... a model of Christ. HHHmmm...

I have been through a lot in my lifetime... and because of that... I consider myself a "strong" person. But let me tell you this... this past year brought me to my knees in tears on many more occasions than even I would like to admit. I was left speechless... heart broken... as I watched the effects of these mothers and their daughters spill onto my precious lil' girl. Competition? Bullying? Jealousy? Cruel - unkind words spit out like fire? I was floored. I realize there will be some of that at every school... in every class... every year... but, I am not talking about the "ordinary stuff"... this was much, much more!

Change.

Yes... some way... some how... I knew there had to be change. I could not go through another year like that... and neither could my daughter. I want to see Lorielle grow and bloom and not be smoothered and controlled. After much prayer and discussions with my husband... I spoke to Lorielle's kindergarten teacher and requested that Lorielle be separated from a "few" classmates when placement took place for first grade. Of course, I didn't demand it... I simply said "if it was possible". And then... I left it in God's hands. I knew there was nothing more I could do...

During the summer I sat on "pins and needles" waiting to see just how God was going to answer our prayers. The day classes were posted on the auditorium windows I had to refrain myself from running to the school at exactly 4pm. And there it was... God did answer our prayers... and Lorielle was with the teacher we requested without the not so nice "friends" and their mommy's! Excited? I should be right? I was... until one of the not so nice mommy's pointed out to my daughter that she would be all alone in a class that she knew absolutely no one and then threw in that her two "friends" would be together with the best teacher in the school. My heart fell to the hard concrete as I watched tears slowly drop from my daughter's cheeks. And yes, Lorielle was upset with me... upset in a way I have never seen before. "Why Mom... why?"

Change.

"Oh God", I prayed... "did I make the right choice? Have I hurt my daughter by taking her away from her comfort - away from the two little girls that no matter how badly they treated her - Lorielle still considered her friends? Oh God, what have I done?"

Change.

The heaviness has not left me... and I am still filled with worry... anguish! It is so very difficult to stand on the sidelines feeling so very helpless as my daughter finds "her place" once again. I watch Lorielle stand in line each morning - not knowing who to talk to - so very quiet. I can see her searching the "road map" as the word "lost" flashes above her head like a neon sign. I encourage her in every way that I can... sharing with her the many positives that will come from being in a class with so many new friends to make. I pray every day when I pick her up that I will see that glow about her once again... that huge, beautiful smile on her face as she walks out with friends... and I know... one day soon - I will see it again. I know that I made the right decision... and I know that God placed Lorielle in just the right class... with just the right teacher... and with just the right classmates.

Change.
No, it isn't always easy...
But with God in our corner...
I know it will all work out perfectly!

And now I wait... I am waiting on you Lord!

Sidenote: God's sense of humor...
Lorielle came home today filled with excitement. She couldn't wait to tell me all about her new friend. "Mom, I can't remember his name - but he is really nice!"

("Okay God, not quite what I had in mind".)

"Mom, he has his own cell phone and doesn't have to ask his mom permission to use it. And, he wants to come over and play. Can he? Can he? I gave him my phone number, is that okay?"

(God... really?)

So... Lorielle and I sat down and had a nice lil' Mommy - Daughter chat and I thought all was good... until my telephone rang... Yes... seriously... this little boy called our house twice yesterday! And, when I went to do laundry found a few "notes" from him in her pocket. So... another Mommy - Daughter chat at bedtime... and then a talk with Daddy at breakfast.

Change.